I'm in recovery mode following Lily's birthday and gearing up to be Matron of Honor extraordinaire for my friend in November. I have a laundry list of projects to complete, things to order and fit into and make and mail. I'm excited and tired just thinking about it. 36 days till her wedding and I am worried. And if I am worried, she must be LOSING her mind.
I am glad to have that done and over with. I remember agonizing over every stupid detail of my wedding (as I am sure you do, too) and in the grand scheme all it is is a fancy party. Marriage and life begin way after they chaos dies down. Of course you can't tell anyone in the throes of planning The Biggest Day of Their Life that it really isn't at all. Bigger days have already happened and bigger days are coming.
I must have that borderline cynical belief because everything that could go wrong with our wedding did, and it wasn't (and hasn't) been indicative of our marriage at all. The party and the celebration and support you get are great, but not as big a "thing" as we make it. After the party is when it all begins, right?
Someone asked us awhile back if we thought we were soul mates and Aaron and I looked at each other and laughed. We really don't subscribe to the notion of soul mates. I do think God had us picked out for each other and He was going to bring us together no matter what, but after that it's a daily choice. We choose to be married and in love every day. Or to try to love each other the way we both deserve on the days we don't feel like it.
Marriage is harder now than it was a few years ago only because we are so busy that some days we forget to see each other. I am aware of it, I think he is, too. I am not afraid to say to him, once in awhile, that we need to slow down and talk and laugh and remember who we are together. One flesh. It's so easy to forget that now and veer off into our own desires and needs. But we really are one flesh. What is his is mine and what is mine is his.
Aaron has done such a great job of nurturing and valuing my interests over the years, even when he doesn’t understand them. They aren't his interests, other than because they are mine they are his. I don't know if that makes sense. I think its more about embracing what they love and even while we don't call it our own, we protect if for them the way we do our own passions.
Wow. Didn't mean to go there. I was going to talk about the weather and pumpkin recipes and decorating for fall. Guess, I had other things to say!
Claire
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
Dear Claire,
I am busier than I've ever been, and it's a good distraction to the homesickness.
I'm working a full-time temp job. Accounting sucks, by the way.
My quarter for seminary started. I'm taking two online classes, which means I read and write more than I would if there were time in a classroom. They have to hold us accountable to the material somehow.
And, drum roll please, I am taking one massage class this quarter. Chipping away at the 375 hours I need to get certified in Tennessee.
All this means that I have a constant to-do list rattling in my head. Read, check. Write, check. Make dinner, check. Laundry, check. Read some more, check. Go to work and hate my life for 8 hours, check.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. In 18 months, I will have a Masters degree and my massage certification. I will be giving massages and earning some cash and living high on the hog. Not really, but I will have a job that fits my personality.
I am typing this as I heat up some soup for dinner. I am going to write a forum post for class, and then Jason and I are going to sit on the couch and watch a movie and eat a lot of ice cream before we go to bed at 8:30 (because that's our bedtime).
Happy Friday!
What did you do today?
Love,
Carolyn
I'm working a full-time temp job. Accounting sucks, by the way.
My quarter for seminary started. I'm taking two online classes, which means I read and write more than I would if there were time in a classroom. They have to hold us accountable to the material somehow.
And, drum roll please, I am taking one massage class this quarter. Chipping away at the 375 hours I need to get certified in Tennessee.
All this means that I have a constant to-do list rattling in my head. Read, check. Write, check. Make dinner, check. Laundry, check. Read some more, check. Go to work and hate my life for 8 hours, check.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. In 18 months, I will have a Masters degree and my massage certification. I will be giving massages and earning some cash and living high on the hog. Not really, but I will have a job that fits my personality.
I am typing this as I heat up some soup for dinner. I am going to write a forum post for class, and then Jason and I are going to sit on the couch and watch a movie and eat a lot of ice cream before we go to bed at 8:30 (because that's our bedtime).
Happy Friday!
What did you do today?
Love,
Carolyn
Friday, August 3, 2012
Dear Carolyn,
Oh dear. "The great injustice of challenge and change."
Yes. It is injustice, isn't it? Even when you want the challenge and the change, are excited by it and know it will bring good things. It's never fun to be thrust into new, unfamiliar territory. All I know is that one day, maybe soon, maybe not, you will wake up and know you are home.
Maybe it will be the day that you finally nail driving that damned car and you realize you have the freedom to explore the city. It may be the day you find your place in your church community. It may be the day you have your first or fiftieth massage client. It may be the first time you have a dinner party or the first time you host a bible study. Or maybe it won't be a day of significance at all. Maybe it will be a Monday afternoon and you are getting ready for dinner and waiting for Jason to come home and a sense of peace and belonging will wash over you and you will know you are home.
It doesn’t make the "now" any easier, if anything it mocks the now, that knowledge that someday this strange place will be home but that day isn't today. It feels like betrayal to your old life to make a new one, but it isn't and those feelings will fade. God has gifted you with a kind and friendly heart. He gifted you and Jason with generosity, hospitality, leadership and teaching abilities and a desire to serve and love others. You had such a rich life here in Sacramento because of that and it will be what makes your married life in Tennessee full and rich and beautiful.
Find a church body where you both can be fed and renewed and encouraged. Find a place to serve. Jump in and use those talents the way you did here. It will take time, but you will find your place. When we serve God and his people alongside our spouses He takes that and makes it beautiful. Be patient.
Know and embrace and love that Nashville isn't Sacramento. I only mention that because I find myself sometimes in that deadly spiral of comparison. I have spent years of my life being discouraged and unhappy because I compared friendships, churches, homes, to what I had before and it blinded me to the beauty of what was in front of me.
There will be bad days (does it snow there? I'll wait for your phone call the day you have to drive stuck in the snow) maybe even bad weeks, but God is good and He has great things for you.
But you knew that already.
Love you to peices.
Claire
Yes. It is injustice, isn't it? Even when you want the challenge and the change, are excited by it and know it will bring good things. It's never fun to be thrust into new, unfamiliar territory. All I know is that one day, maybe soon, maybe not, you will wake up and know you are home.
Maybe it will be the day that you finally nail driving that damned car and you realize you have the freedom to explore the city. It may be the day you find your place in your church community. It may be the day you have your first or fiftieth massage client. It may be the first time you have a dinner party or the first time you host a bible study. Or maybe it won't be a day of significance at all. Maybe it will be a Monday afternoon and you are getting ready for dinner and waiting for Jason to come home and a sense of peace and belonging will wash over you and you will know you are home.
It doesn’t make the "now" any easier, if anything it mocks the now, that knowledge that someday this strange place will be home but that day isn't today. It feels like betrayal to your old life to make a new one, but it isn't and those feelings will fade. God has gifted you with a kind and friendly heart. He gifted you and Jason with generosity, hospitality, leadership and teaching abilities and a desire to serve and love others. You had such a rich life here in Sacramento because of that and it will be what makes your married life in Tennessee full and rich and beautiful.
Find a church body where you both can be fed and renewed and encouraged. Find a place to serve. Jump in and use those talents the way you did here. It will take time, but you will find your place. When we serve God and his people alongside our spouses He takes that and makes it beautiful. Be patient.
Know and embrace and love that Nashville isn't Sacramento. I only mention that because I find myself sometimes in that deadly spiral of comparison. I have spent years of my life being discouraged and unhappy because I compared friendships, churches, homes, to what I had before and it blinded me to the beauty of what was in front of me.
There will be bad days (does it snow there? I'll wait for your phone call the day you have to drive stuck in the snow) maybe even bad weeks, but God is good and He has great things for you.
But you knew that already.
Love you to peices.
Claire
Dear Claire,
I miss you!
I finally have access to the internet, and all I can think to write are self-pitying thoughts of how hard it is to live in Tennessee.
The truth is that we have a beautiful home here; people are friendly; the food is delicious; and I am even more in love with my husband.
BUT I am lonely. I miss Sacramento a lot. I miss drinking wine with my friends. I miss riding my cruiser nine blocks to work and yoga. I miss working as a massage therapist. I miss the Sunday morning farmers' market under the freeway. And I'm feeling sad and angry about it right now.
Jason and I are sitting at a coffee shop this morning. He is working from home today, and asked me to join him for coffee this morning. I got excited about being asked out on a date, but he made sure I knew he wouldn't be paying any attention to me. That's fine, I said, as long as I can play on the internet while you work.
He said I should drive, so I drove here, with Jason as my passenger and coach. It was one of my many, never-endingingly painful driving lessons. Every time I drive stick shift I cry and I yell and I damn the whole world with my curses. It scares me how angry it makes me, but I have to learn to drive here, and provide myself ever-more opportunity to feel embarrassed that Jason is seeing my ugly underbelly of perfectionist pride. I just want life to feel easy and comfortable like it was back home. (That was a lie. It was not easy and comfortable back home either, but I want to believe that right now.)
So here we sit in silence with our coffee. Jason is typing and I'm typing and trying to feel good about being here, but I don't. I want to come home. I might feel better once I can drive and explore with new friends here. And if I wrote this last night, you would have heard my excitement about doing massage from home (I had my first client!). For today, however, you will just know about the immense pain of driving stick shift and the great injustice of challenge and change.
Love,
Carolyn
I miss you!
I finally have access to the internet, and all I can think to write are self-pitying thoughts of how hard it is to live in Tennessee.
The truth is that we have a beautiful home here; people are friendly; the food is delicious; and I am even more in love with my husband.
BUT I am lonely. I miss Sacramento a lot. I miss drinking wine with my friends. I miss riding my cruiser nine blocks to work and yoga. I miss working as a massage therapist. I miss the Sunday morning farmers' market under the freeway. And I'm feeling sad and angry about it right now.
Jason and I are sitting at a coffee shop this morning. He is working from home today, and asked me to join him for coffee this morning. I got excited about being asked out on a date, but he made sure I knew he wouldn't be paying any attention to me. That's fine, I said, as long as I can play on the internet while you work.
He said I should drive, so I drove here, with Jason as my passenger and coach. It was one of my many, never-endingingly painful driving lessons. Every time I drive stick shift I cry and I yell and I damn the whole world with my curses. It scares me how angry it makes me, but I have to learn to drive here, and provide myself ever-more opportunity to feel embarrassed that Jason is seeing my ugly underbelly of perfectionist pride. I just want life to feel easy and comfortable like it was back home. (That was a lie. It was not easy and comfortable back home either, but I want to believe that right now.)
So here we sit in silence with our coffee. Jason is typing and I'm typing and trying to feel good about being here, but I don't. I want to come home. I might feel better once I can drive and explore with new friends here. And if I wrote this last night, you would have heard my excitement about doing massage from home (I had my first client!). For today, however, you will just know about the immense pain of driving stick shift and the great injustice of challenge and change.
Love,
Carolyn
Friday, July 27, 2012
Dear Carolyn,
We went to the fair with Megan last week. I know if you were still here we would have all gone together. I figured that you would love these pictures!
Claire
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