Oh dear. "The great injustice of challenge and change."
Yes. It is injustice, isn't it? Even when you want the challenge and the change, are excited by it and know it will bring good things. It's never fun to be thrust into new, unfamiliar territory. All I know is that one day, maybe soon, maybe not, you will wake up and know you are home.
Maybe it will be the day that you finally nail driving that damned car and you realize you have the freedom to explore the city. It may be the day you find your place in your church community. It may be the day you have your first or fiftieth massage client. It may be the first time you have a dinner party or the first time you host a bible study. Or maybe it won't be a day of significance at all. Maybe it will be a Monday afternoon and you are getting ready for dinner and waiting for Jason to come home and a sense of peace and belonging will wash over you and you will know you are home.
It doesn’t make the "now" any easier, if anything it mocks the now, that knowledge that someday this strange place will be home but that day isn't today. It feels like betrayal to your old life to make a new one, but it isn't and those feelings will fade. God has gifted you with a kind and friendly heart. He gifted you and Jason with generosity, hospitality, leadership and teaching abilities and a desire to serve and love others. You had such a rich life here in Sacramento because of that and it will be what makes your married life in Tennessee full and rich and beautiful.
Find a church body where you both can be fed and renewed and encouraged. Find a place to serve. Jump in and use those talents the way you did here. It will take time, but you will find your place. When we serve God and his people alongside our spouses He takes that and makes it beautiful. Be patient.
Know and embrace and love that Nashville isn't Sacramento. I only mention that because I find myself sometimes in that deadly spiral of comparison. I have spent years of my life being discouraged and unhappy because I compared friendships, churches, homes, to what I had before and it blinded me to the beauty of what was in front of me.
There will be bad days (does it snow there? I'll wait for your phone call the day you have to drive stuck in the snow) maybe even bad weeks, but God is good and He has great things for you.
But you knew that already.
Love you to peices.
Claire
Friday, August 3, 2012
Dear Claire,
I miss you!
I finally have access to the internet, and all I can think to write are self-pitying thoughts of how hard it is to live in Tennessee.
The truth is that we have a beautiful home here; people are friendly; the food is delicious; and I am even more in love with my husband.
BUT I am lonely. I miss Sacramento a lot. I miss drinking wine with my friends. I miss riding my cruiser nine blocks to work and yoga. I miss working as a massage therapist. I miss the Sunday morning farmers' market under the freeway. And I'm feeling sad and angry about it right now.
Jason and I are sitting at a coffee shop this morning. He is working from home today, and asked me to join him for coffee this morning. I got excited about being asked out on a date, but he made sure I knew he wouldn't be paying any attention to me. That's fine, I said, as long as I can play on the internet while you work.
He said I should drive, so I drove here, with Jason as my passenger and coach. It was one of my many, never-endingingly painful driving lessons. Every time I drive stick shift I cry and I yell and I damn the whole world with my curses. It scares me how angry it makes me, but I have to learn to drive here, and provide myself ever-more opportunity to feel embarrassed that Jason is seeing my ugly underbelly of perfectionist pride. I just want life to feel easy and comfortable like it was back home. (That was a lie. It was not easy and comfortable back home either, but I want to believe that right now.)
So here we sit in silence with our coffee. Jason is typing and I'm typing and trying to feel good about being here, but I don't. I want to come home. I might feel better once I can drive and explore with new friends here. And if I wrote this last night, you would have heard my excitement about doing massage from home (I had my first client!). For today, however, you will just know about the immense pain of driving stick shift and the great injustice of challenge and change.
Love,
Carolyn
I miss you!
I finally have access to the internet, and all I can think to write are self-pitying thoughts of how hard it is to live in Tennessee.
The truth is that we have a beautiful home here; people are friendly; the food is delicious; and I am even more in love with my husband.
BUT I am lonely. I miss Sacramento a lot. I miss drinking wine with my friends. I miss riding my cruiser nine blocks to work and yoga. I miss working as a massage therapist. I miss the Sunday morning farmers' market under the freeway. And I'm feeling sad and angry about it right now.
Jason and I are sitting at a coffee shop this morning. He is working from home today, and asked me to join him for coffee this morning. I got excited about being asked out on a date, but he made sure I knew he wouldn't be paying any attention to me. That's fine, I said, as long as I can play on the internet while you work.
He said I should drive, so I drove here, with Jason as my passenger and coach. It was one of my many, never-endingingly painful driving lessons. Every time I drive stick shift I cry and I yell and I damn the whole world with my curses. It scares me how angry it makes me, but I have to learn to drive here, and provide myself ever-more opportunity to feel embarrassed that Jason is seeing my ugly underbelly of perfectionist pride. I just want life to feel easy and comfortable like it was back home. (That was a lie. It was not easy and comfortable back home either, but I want to believe that right now.)
So here we sit in silence with our coffee. Jason is typing and I'm typing and trying to feel good about being here, but I don't. I want to come home. I might feel better once I can drive and explore with new friends here. And if I wrote this last night, you would have heard my excitement about doing massage from home (I had my first client!). For today, however, you will just know about the immense pain of driving stick shift and the great injustice of challenge and change.
Love,
Carolyn
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